I’ve noticed that life events happen in waves. Relationships seem to pop up in clusters, followed by weddings, and babies…before I know it, I’m talking to new moms as they’re about to head back into work. Given the flurry of friends that I have returning to the workplace after all-too-short or all-too-long maternity leaves (depends who you ask, of course), it appears that we’re currently in the latter phase. And last week as I listened to a friend lament about leaving her new baby and her looming first day of work, it hit me – I didn’t have those feelings when I returned to work after my first child.
You see, while my return to work after having Hazeline and Everett was difficult (to say the least), my return to work after having Greenleigh wasn’t. At all. That very first morning that we dropped her off at daycare, I remember hugging my husband and telling him it was going to be okay. Assuring him that she’d be fine. I then went to work, enjoyed lunch with my friends, and had an entire day where I was able to complete thoughts and sentences.
Sometime after lunch on that first day back, a co-worker came into my office, saw me sitting deep in thought (something I hadn’t had time for in the 9 weeks I was on maternity leave), and said, “Oh are you crying? Do you miss her?”. She then immediately left my office for fear that she had upset me…or that I was going to cry in front of her, either one. But I wasn’t worried or crying. In fact, the whole event left me thinking “Should I be crying? Should I be concerned?”. Because in all honesty, I just wasn’t. I missed my baby, but wasn’t worried. And I was really enjoying the whole completing thoughts and sentences thing that work seemed to allow.
Although I didn’t like having to get out of yoga pants everyday to go to work, the fact is, I did like being back at work after having my first child. And if I’m being completely truthful, besides the sleepless nights, the hardest part of returning to work was adjusting to someone having handled my files (in ways that I might not) while I was out for 9 weeks. I’m a control-freak like that.
For the 20-something months between having my first and my second child, I worked and didn’t think anything about it. Sure, I was overwhelmed. Sure, I was stressed. But not working at all? Well, that never really crossed my mind. There were occasions from time to time when I wished for a more flexible schedule or needed a day off to myself, but never felt guilty for working. And in total fairness, I was overwhelmed and stressed before I ever had my first child.
Going back to work after having my second and third children was a drastically different experience. I felt gallons of mommy guilt. I looked at the former me who never felt an ounce of guilt and didn’t know how she existed. I wanted to stay home, but knew I couldn’t. I was so frazzled the first day I dropped Hazeline off at daycare, I forgot my own phone number and gave the lady in the infant room the code to our alarm system instead. And even after a lengthy maternity leave that I extended (twice!), I delayed sending Everett to daycare until the last possible second. The idea of not feeling mommy guilt was foreign to me.
Luckily, the guilt subsided a bit after being back at work a while, as it often does, but there are times when it creeps up. It’s normal. It’s natural. But I’m never quite ready for it. Like when I want to sign Hazeline up for an activity, but find out it’s only offered at 3pm on Wednesdays. Or when I need to leave one of the kids with a sitter when they’re sick because I have clients in from across the country counting on me to be at their mediation. Or when my child wants me to be there to pass out cupcakes in her classroom on her birthday, but I can’t commit because I’m on a federal judge’s trial docket for that week and he doesn’t care that it’s my daughter’s 6th birthday… Then I have guilt.
I suppose you could say I’m a hybrid of my post-first baby self and my post-second and third baby self.
While I have personally experienced both sides of the working mom guilt coin, I think there’s an assumption that working moms feel (or should feel) guilty for working. Month after month, clients come to my office and ask about my kids. More specifically, they want to know where they are during the day if I’m at work. When I tell them school, daycare, or aftercare, I often get responses like “that’s a shame”, “that’s a long day for them”, or, once, “that’s terrible”. Although they shouldn’t, these types of comments often leaving me questioning my working and my parenting. And sometimes they leave me wondering, “Am I feeling enough guilt over this?”.
In reality, guilt is a personal thing that not all moms feel or if they do feel it, they feel it manifests in ways and is felt in different intensities. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to working mom guilt.
So as I find myself talking with friends returning to work this month I try to remind them that everyone handles returning to work differently, and most importantly, working mom guilt is a very personal thing. If if you’re like me when returning to work after my second and third kids – Hang in there. Take care of yourself. It will get better. But in the off chance you don’t feel working mom guilt, that’s okay. It’s not for everyone.
Well take what I say with a grain of salt because I don’t have kids…but I work alongside women who have kids and I notice they all balance it in their own way. Some have nannies, some have hubbies who are home, some adjust work schedules to meet mommy expectations, you name it! In addition to that, my mom (when I was small) was an all day kindergarten teacher as well as worked full time, so I have memories of kid clubs, after school care, etc. From my perspective as a child, I loved having time around other kids. I was always bored easily and loved having that interaction. In terms of what I see at work, I see everyone trying to make it work their own way. So I think if you can make it work in your life, ignore the judgments of others. That’s all that matters. 🙂